Monday, May 17, 2010

RAP is gay


Toned, shirtless guys walking around, with their trousers barely hanging on to them, talking about how their cock is bigger than yours and how their house is bigger than yours, and how they have they have bitches and hoes in the back all point to some serious overcompensation and paranoia. Rap is so obviously gay that it needs to try extra hard to cover itself, which explains why their are so many hardly dressed girls, bouncing around in the back of a limo, getting sprayed in Champagne. But the mistake that all rappers make is the Champagne. Without any shadow of a doubt, Champagne is the gayest drink ever! Champagne is so gay, even Elton John comes "nah, I'm good with my Malibu and Coke". But for whatever reason, Champagne has been used as a status symbol, to show success and achievement in rap culture. And this has absolutely no relation to the fact that Champagne is a very sexual liquid, greasing over surfaces, glistening bold lines, and highlighting sharp angles on muscles. Although, maybe for that reason Champagne is a status symbol.

Rap has amazingly tense homoerotic themes. Brotherhood in a gang. Drinking and smoking weed together. Dying in the arms of a gang member after a drive by shooting. "Homie-love" (or as I like to call it "homie-sexual"). And when a rapper goes to jail, that adds a whole new deminsion to their appeal. Although they never rap about it, after effects of "dropping the soap" can be seen. Also, lets not forget the "homie-hug" originated from rap culture. Seems very agressive, doesn't it. A simple meeting of hands becomes a full on thrust of two bodies towards each other, barely missing what have been a kiss. Even the long "rap fued" is simply and over-bloated gay bitch fight. East Coast and West Coast mike as well be called Elton John and George Michael, or Lady Gaga and Madonna.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

THE GYM is gay


It's not good enough to simply exercise anymore. You need to put yourself out there. You need to frame your body and present it to a room full of muscular, sweaty men you don't even know. You need techno music blasting in from the speakers, barely covering over the sounds of grunting and groaning as they haul up massive weights above their heads, gripping tight on the hard steel bar. No, it's not good enough to simply stay fit, you have to have mirrors all over the walls so when your doing crunches or running on treadmills you're never one quick glance away from seeing someone at the other end of the room bending over to lift some dumbbells, or fix their spandex.
Even the clothing for gyms are filled with homoerotic tendencies. Everyone has it; that tight mono-coloured shirt that turns your otherwise nonexistent nipples into perfect full scale models for ancient Greek battle armor. That same shirt which has the Nike logo conveniently placed on your chest so to invite a glance over your puffing pecks, as you cycle, pondering how many people have heard this exact same techno dance remix song in a "nightclub".
The gayest workout machine in the gym (and the solid proof that the gym has some form of homoerotic feel to it) is the ski machine. A workout for your arms and legs. It is essentially a step-up machine with dildos. No man will spend anymore than a few minutes on this machine, solely because it leaves you with only two uncomfortable options; either hold on to the dildos and have a simulated two-on-one session or let go and simply work out your legs while two dildos are thrusting themselves back and forth in front of you.
And another common scene in the gym is the alpha-male. Most definitely the most self-denying out of of all the possible closet homosexuals in the gym. This is the gym who walks around with a tank-top (normally black and with a low neck cut, showing a lot of chest), short hair spiked with gel, sitting on top of a square head, which is amazingly connected straight to the torso with no neck in between, often called Rick or Tony, and can not help but hit on women who are obviously smaller than he is. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is gay has the day is long. He's a top, he's a selfish lover, and genuinely believes he has taste in music.
The male changing room has a massive elephant in it. Their are only two types of men who enter this room. The first are the gay gaze diverters. These are the men with the philosophy no-harm-no-foul. They keep their eyes either on the ceiling or the ground, but never below the shoulders or above the knees. This is for two reasons; nothing is scarier than the thought you cant enter a room without whispers going around, and the other is the fact that when you're down to you're undies, it would be amazingly hard to hide a boner. The other type of man is the type who believes the best defense is offence. He strides around the changing room naked, chuckling to himself, proud of his god given gifts, talking to random strangers about sports and the score of the match, while he butt-flosses himself with a complimentary gym towel which he playful uses as a whip others, chuckling away, all the while saying to himself "You're the one looking, not me. That makes you gay. Ergo, I am not gay. I am King Straight in a sea of lost souls."
Although, it would be strange that a straight person would know what "ergo" means.


REPUBLICANS are gay


With no shadow of a doubt, the Republican party is by far the gayest and most fabulous party in American Politics. No other party has such a unique and wonderfully gay system as Republicans. Almost any Republican who speaks against homosexuality is found 3 months later getting sucked off or sucking off in a male restroom in a distant gay bar, possibly several miles from their own home state. But each one of these men escape public humiliation by falling to their knees and praying to Jesus to pray the gay away and promise to never enter those "sinful" ways again (or at least get caught doing so).
While we have Jesus hear, isn't it funny how Republicans manically quote the story of Sodom in the Bible. It's strange how for people who strictly believe homosexual intercourse is a gross and devious act they seem completely obsessed and compelled to not only read this graphic passage in the Bible about gay sex over and over again, but also to learn it off by heart, so they can play it over and over in their head. For people who call themselves Christians, they seem to quote that one part more often than any other, including actual quotes of Jesus.
Part of the Republican ideology is this Ronald-Reagan-man-crush-obsessedCowboy idea, that the Republican party is this wild, unyeilding, stupendously rugged outlaw with big, massive, throbbing guns. And boy, do Republicans LOVE their guns. They love long guns, hard guns, big guns, massive guns, guns with big loads, guns that shoot all over the place, guns that are bigger than anyone elses, and guns that you can walk around with and feel comfortable to whip out and show to their friends. Hell! If they feel like it, they'll let them hold their big, hard, long gun in their hands, and maybe even mess around with it. No wonder Republicans don't want their guns taken away.
Yes, big guns, Biblical gay sex, and double standards...is it any wonder the Republicans have the Log Cabin Party. Gay Conservatives, as they like to be called (not to be confused with regular conservatives (despite what I've said above)), believe in the American way and traditional values. Now you may ask why? Well when you realise many Republicans believe a woman's place is in the kitchen, which means that many grown men will be locked in a room for hours on end, hot, sweaty, and roaring at the top of their voices over passing bills and policy making, slowly taking off their expensive suit jackets and ties as the hot Summer days go by, it becomes a little more clear what the alternative motives may be.
"But Conor, why do Republicans hate homosexuals so much if they are secretly gay themselves?"
Simple; saturation. Gay is chic no. Turn on the television. There is bound to be a camp, gay character somewhre. Ugly Betty, The OC, True Blood, Glee, Dexter, United States of Tara, Nip/Tuck, Six Feet Under, Family Guy, Simpsons, American Dad, Hollyoaks, EastEnders, Dr. Who, Torchwood, Buffy the vampire Slayer...etc. Politics is a funny business in America. It's as much a show as it a serious politic system. You have to stand out, be seen, be liked, and be talked about. It's easy to say the democrats have all the homosexual supporters, so Republicans are left with no idea but to go after the homophobes, even if this means hiding their own inner gay.
That big red GOP elephant in the room just got a whole lot pinker.