REPUBLICANS are gay

With no shadow of a doubt, the Republican party is by far the gayest and most fabulous party in American Politics. No other party has such a unique and wonderfully gay system as Republicans. Almost any Republican who speaks against homosexuality is found 3 months later getting sucked off or sucking off in a male restroom in a distant gay bar, possibly several miles from their own home state. But each one of these men escape public humiliation by falling to their knees and praying to Jesus to pray the gay away and promise to never enter those "sinful" ways again (or at least get caught doing so).
While we have Jesus hear, isn't it funny how Republicans manically quote the story of Sodom in the Bible. It's strange how for people who strictly believe homosexual intercourse is a gross and devious act they seem completely obsessed and compelled to not only read this graphic passage in the Bible about gay sex over and over again, but also to learn it off by heart, so they can play it over and over in their head. For people who call themselves Christians, they seem to quote that one part more often than any other, including actual quotes of Jesus.
Part of the Republican ideology is this Ronald-Reagan-man-crush-obsessedCowboy idea, that the Republican party is this wild, unyeilding, stupendously rugged outlaw with big, massive, throbbing guns. And boy, do Republicans LOVE their guns. They love long guns, hard guns, big guns, massive guns, guns with big loads, guns that shoot all over the place, guns that are bigger than anyone elses, and guns that you can walk around with and feel comfortable to whip out and show to their friends. Hell! If they feel like it, they'll let them hold their big, hard, long gun in their hands, and maybe even mess around with it. No wonder Republicans don't want their guns taken away.
Yes, big guns, Biblical gay sex, and double standards...is it any wonder the Republicans have the Log Cabin Party. Gay Conservatives, as they like to be called (not to be confused with regular conservatives (despite what I've said above)), believe in the American way and traditional values. Now you may ask why? Well when you realise many Republicans believe a woman's place is in the kitchen, which means that many grown men will be locked in a room for hours on end, hot, sweaty, and roaring at the top of their voices over passing bills and policy making, slowly taking off their expensive suit jackets and ties as the hot Summer days go by, it becomes a little more clear what the alternative motives may be.
"But Conor, why do Republicans hate homosexuals so much if they are secretly gay themselves?"
Simple; saturation. Gay is chic no. Turn on the television. There is bound to be a camp, gay character somewhre. Ugly Betty, The OC, True Blood, Glee, Dexter, United States of Tara, Nip/Tuck, Six Feet Under, Family Guy, Simpsons, American Dad, Hollyoaks, EastEnders, Dr. Who, Torchwood, Buffy the vampire Slayer...etc. Politics is a funny business in America. It's as much a show as it a serious politic system. You have to stand out, be seen, be liked, and be talked about. It's easy to say the democrats have all the homosexual supporters, so Republicans are left with no idea but to go after the homophobes, even if this means hiding their own inner gay.
That big red GOP elephant in the room just got a whole lot pinker.